Hindsight
by stephell
Summary: My take on Martin's reflections of Sam and his relationship and possibly the future 'cause the rumors abound on the internet and I'm mad


A/N: I wrote this out of frustration that the writers are possibly reconsidering the whole idea of Jack and Sam again in Season 6. Now admittedly I'm a Sam and Martin fan, but I'm not completely against the idea of Jack and Sam but there are conditions and you'll note them below.

This is just my way of blowing of steam. If you like it great, if not, that's fine too. It's my opinion and my frustration that the writers, who start great ideas and then throw them away (Danny and PTSD for one, anyone really think he got shouted at by Jack a couple of times and slammed into a car once is cured? How about that Martin can get shot twice and be back at work in six weeks, ummmm not very realistic and don't get me started on how Jack and Anne broke up because she had a miscarriage. I understand enough to know that such an even is traumatic, but were they only in it for the baby and the night of her procedure she moves out and is never heard of again? If you (the writers) are going to start an idea then finish it, otherwise, don't get our (mine, can't speak for anyone else) hopes up.

So, the rumor is the writers want to 'reignite the Jack/Sam relationship, hey, I'm not dumb (opinionated to be sure) this is an intelligent show and there isn't any intelligent way to have the boss and the subordinate in a relationship. If anyone thiniks there is go back and watch Have You Now or Have You Ever Been; an awesome episode and one in which the writers got it right.

So, I'm angry, frustrated and worried that my fave show will go the dumb way of relationships so here's my way of venting.

Thanks.

**Hindsight**

As much as he hated himself for thinking the thought he couldn't resist rehashing it one more time, she was a self-absorbed, self-righteous bitch. He couldn't believe that he had been so enamored of her. The first day he saw her he was being introduced to the team. He remembered a kindly but experienced woman, a gorgeous and strong woman and a cold, wary man, Vivian, Sam and Danny. Then he was whisked away to begin his first case.

Over the next couple of weeks he made mistakes, found himself continually at odds with Danny, Vivian was interesting in that she was equally welcoming yet instructive in reminding him that embarrassing Danny was not the way to 'win friends and influence people' Jack was stern yet forgiving, forbidding and mentoring, and Samantha, Sam was friendly and open. She would openly commiserate with him about being stuck in the office as punishment for his unfortunate and humiliating blunder, she willingly explained some of the ways the team operated, she shared little details about some of the cases they had solved and, when she chided him, he always felt it was done in a way to teach him how not to do it again and be a better agent, not to embarrass him.

He fell in love with her at so many different times, when she was Georgia shilling for a date while searching for the stewardess. He fell in love with her when she looked almost sorrowful that she had made plans with Keller for drinks when he needed someone to talk to about the disappointment of the case. She stood up to him and to Jack over the Anwar Samir case; the pain of that still haunted him. Then there was Bonnie, he needed a friend and he'd called her. She came without question and worked tirelessly checking every angle, supporting him when he doubted his ability to help his aunt and she had held him and let him grieve as he never knew he could grieve and, when he was done, she just sat there quietly, allowing him to gather himself. Then, after he had spent time with his aunt and he emerged from her ICU room, there was Sam, sitting in the chair that he had left her in over an hour earlier. She hadn't moved, wasn't reading anything just seemed to be patiently waiting. She stood up when she saw him and joined him in walking down the corridor and into the night and she drove him home.

They hadn't talked at all and it was exactly what he needed, her presence was enough.

What a fool he had been. For two years he had watched her, watched and learned as she interrogated suspects, interviewed family and friends, followed up on leads. He'd played poker with her and the team watched her win her fair share and more sometimes and he knew that on those occasions that he had won a hand she'd been pleased; he could see it in her eyes.

He remembered how vulnerable she was when she was shot, how she looked at him almost with desperation when she broke down and cried about how sorry she was for screwing everything up and when he had reassured her that she had done just fine, and she had, he could see her clinging to his words like a lifeline.

So many times in those two years he'd grown closer to her in some ways and yet in others still understood so little. Then it all changed, she asked him to share a cab. By then he knew about her and Jack, they'd talked about it, how it was over before he joined the team, how she felt bad that the feelings had faded. She'd given him a small smile and enough encouragement when he suggested that if the feelings didn't fade that there wouldn't be room for new ones. Then there she was, late at night, outside a bar the team, sans Jack, had been celebrating at, toasting their former boss and wishing him success and hoping for success with their new boss, she asked him to share a cab.

In that moment he thought it had changed, Sam never initiated, never once had she initiated any hint of personal issues, it had always been him who had brought up marriage, long-term relationships, intimacy not only physical but emotional. This time she initiated; he'd thought it was the beginning.

It was; it was the beginning of this, his change in his feelings for her and about her. At first it was exciting, here she was, in his arms, giving him her body, being vulnerable and intimate with him. But in hindsight the intimacy and vulnerability were always on her terms. They could only hold hands once they were inside her building or his, never leaving the office. Eating out, don't be foolish Martin, someone will see, a basketball game, don't think so. You're going for a run? I run too but not this morning, someone will see.

She decided that they weren't going to tell anyone and then, when he would talk to her about it, she demanded that he wasn't being sensitive to her position that people would think she was a slut for sleeping with two men on the team.

He should have called her on that at that exact moment, he should have said, I thought you were in love with Jack, guess you were just whoring around with him. And is that all we're doing? Am I just your male whore, is this a way to appease yourself. Don't get me wrong, Sam, the sex is great, but I've never made it a secret that I want more, that you're important to me.

Truth be told, if I'd had any sense I'd have recognized that Sam had never made it a secret that marriage, kids, a house were never for her either. She'd said it, why didn't I believe it?

She'd actually told me that I made her happy, what a fool I was. She told me that the same day Jack was being deposed in his divorce proceeding. In hindsight I think she was just trying those words on to see how they felt.

I should have seen it coming but for almost nine months I tried to fool myself that sleeping with Sam was enough; it wasn't. I want a real relationship. I'm tired of the games. I don't want to be with someone who is ashamed to be seen with me because of what 'someone might think.'

We broke up. Funny thing is that I did it the very morning she told me she was ready to go with me to meet my family at my cousin's wedding. I don't know why at that moment I didn't say, great and take her in my arms. Hell, Jack wasn't in the office yet, Viv was home on medical leave and Danny was rooting for us anyway. I didn't. I think by then I'd had enough of the lies, of the hope, of Sam saying just enough to keep me on the leash. I ended it and didn't look back.

Then I got shot. Someone told me -- I think it was my mother that Sam had been by my side for a long time while I was unconscious. I heard from a nurse that I had such a pretty girlfriend; she'd cried and held my hand that whole night.

I don't remember any of it; I was unconscious. What I do remember are a couple of visits in the hospital and some phone calls after I got home. I know they were all busy, a team of five reduced to a team of three but she couldn't find time to visit me at home at all. She didn't even know I was coming back to work. The look on her face, the surprise, the happiness, it about melted me, I was relieved and embarrassed and hopeful to see her and to be held by her. Her arms felt so soft holding me, so familiar, so right.

The next year was an up and down of recovery, drugs, recovery and finally finding my center again. Through it Sam was a steady presence, she chided me, she gave me space, she called me on the mat when I needed it but she didn't notice, she had no idea I was succumbing to the drugs. Now, I like to think I'm a decent dissembler when I want to be but I wasn't that good. If she'd really paid attention, she'd have caught on sooner. I'm not blaming her for my addiction, nope, that's mine and I'll forever appreciate that she came and got me to open up to her and made sure that Danny got his head out of his ass long enough to help me, well, actually once he got over his anger at me and his disappointment not only in me but I also think himself that he didn't want to help me; he's been my rock.

Sam, the woman I thought I loved; hell, still do, however has faded into someone I don't know anymore. I know that something went down pretty bad between her and her sister and it doesn't take an FBI agent to figure out that whatever it was had been building for a long time. Who does she run to? She runs to Jack. Okay. I can accept that he's the boss and if she needs some time or even some help to keep it quiet it would be to Jack, sure, but then when it's all over, whatever it is, she doesn't say thanks for the help, doesn't say anything. I tried to ask her if she was all right, if there was anything I could do but she just brushed me aside.

Sam, you know about my parents, my aunt, you've held me when I cried – and I never cry – you've seen me shot, supposedly held vigil over me, of course you did it when I couldn't share it with you, you know me at my darkest, weakest, dumbest, angriest moments. You know I stole drugs from a victim, you know I'm an addict. There isn't anything you don't know about me, hell you know I love you and yet you tell me nothing. You don't let me in on anything that's going on.

Now something bad has happened, somehow it's been resolved or is on its way to being resolved and you're running to Jack. Again, I like Jack, I do. I respect him, I admire him. He stands up to my father, he doesn't treat me any differently than any of the rest of you and I've long since earned my stripes on the team, but if you're falling for Jack again then I hope you go to hell, both of you, and my request for transfer is on the way.

I can't do this, I just can't. Do I think Jack is a good man, absolutely yes. I meant what I said to my father five some years ago when I said that Jack is a good man and a great agent. I've learned more from him than --- well than I sure as hell ever learned from my father and unlike you Sammy girl, I don't have a daddy complex and I'm sorry, you and Jack together is just a little too daddy complex for me.

Something happened back in Kenosha and he helped you out of it. Good for him, but I get the sense that whatever he did wasn't for your benefit as much as it was for his. Maria's gone, Anne is gone and he's not ready to lose a chance with you.

I can't stay and watch it. I can't. Jack, I respect you too much to watch you breaking all the rules. I'm not a goody, goody or anything either, hell, I killed a guy 'cause I was pissed off and I let the situation get out of hand then I covered it up potentially sacrificing Viv's and my careers. I held a knife to a thug's throat fully ready to kill him if Sam hadn't pulled me off, I stole drugs from a victim's house 'cause I NEEDED them, I'm not perfect, but I can't watch you and Sam pretending to be in love and having a relationship when the only way that can happen, really happen is for one or the other of you to leave the unit. Otherwise, you just have to hide the relationship and pretend.

Sam, you've done that twice already, how is the third time going to be the charm? If you want a relationship, if you're really in love with Jack and now is the time to be with him than you should transfer out of his command and have a relationship. Then there would be no Codes of Conduct or Ethics or OPR to worry about. I would also be happy for you because at last you would be saying, I'm serious about this, I'm going to make a sacrifice for the man I'm in love with, I'm in this for the long run.

Anything less than that is just a lie and you're just whoring yourself out.

Jack, same thing for you, you'll defy the rules, break the codes, I'm for that. I remember what you said on the stand when we lost the Graham Spaulding case, how you convinced my father, who is never convinced of anything but his own opinions, that you were an agent to take a chance on because you understood your job and if that meant that Graham Spaulding got off on a technicality but that Andy Deaver was saved, then that was what was going to happen because you were going to save Andy Deaver because that and that alone was your job.

If you love Sam, then love her, really and truly love her. Don't control her; don't make decisions for her that put her in an impossible situation. She will never do anything to hurt you and you know that, that does not give you the right to take advantage of that and buy her continued involvement on the team, maybe she needs a change.

If you love her and you really want to have a relationship with her, than you need to help her to understand that that means she can't stay on the team she needs to be on someone else's team so that you two can hold hands, can kiss each other good bye as you get off the elevator on different floors, that basketball games and walks in the park and dinners or lunches or breakfasts can be taken out at a restaurant and not out of a box in the apartment.

If you love her like I love her you'd do that for her. If she loves you like I wish she'd loved me, she'd do that for you. If neither of you love each other enough to do that but you decide to start sleeping together anyway I'll know, and when I know, you'll get my Request for Transfer because Sam, I can't watch you go backwards and Jack I can't watch you diminish yourself in my eyes.

Hindsight is 20/20; in hindsight I wish I had never fallen for you Samantha Spade, I wish I had listened, really listened when you said you liked complicated, messy relationships and hadn't thought myself to be the one to change that, what a fool I was.

Hindsight is 20/20; in hindsight I wish I had realized you meant it when you said that marriage, kids, picket fence and a dog weren't for you, not in this lifetime and hadn't thought that I was the one that would change that for you, what a fool I was.

Hindsight is 20/20; in hindsight I should have recognized the cooling and confusion from you the moment you realized Jack wasn't going to Chicago and I should have recognized it for what it was, I was just a temporary body to keep you warm while you watched and waited to see if Jack was going to stay and if you had a chance.

Hindsight is 20/20; in hindsight I now see you for what you truly are, beautiful physically, smart, welcoming to new members, me, Elena, Mac, Lucy as long as we'll all stay at arm's length. You're tough; you can be compassionate but only so far. You, Samantha Spade are far too cold, too self-absorbed and too enamored of the romantic ideal of messy relationships to ever be able to handle a real relationship. Your body will only take you so far, your brain and your heart are what will capture a man for a lifetime but as long as you keep them locked away you'll never be anyone other than a woman who uses her body like a prostitute and that's a price I'm no longer willing to pay.

August 2007

A/N: Oh, yeah, and don't even get me started about the whole pregnancy thing with Sam, does anyone really believe she, the lover of messy complicated relationships is up to being a mother. I have one hold out for hope, and that's the whole surrogate mother angle for her sister in an attempt to save her nephew's life (see, the writers ARE making this a soap opera) but that's the only way I buy Sam as a mother. She's not able to have a real relationship with an adult, I don't believe she can have a real relationship with an infant who is totally dependent on her for survivial.

Anyway, that's my rant.


End file.
